Good luck to Rosemary

[rosemary johnson]

Investment on National? - shouldn't think so; but will be watching avidly.
H: share your thoughts entirely on neurologist. As for other, I live in hope............ well, I try to........
Last night:
OMG!!!!!! NOt again!!!!!
Started having hallucinations again.
Horrible.
Like a horrid nasty vivid nightmare, but compltely awake.
Visions of myself being back in the hospital on op day, with ward staff railroading me along to get ready for op, get out of clothes and into stupid nightie things, just after bloody surgeon had waded in and overruled us both at 11th hour 59th minute, and was desperately trying to get my dangerously dehydrated brain to think straight and think sensibly about whether I wanted to do this or not, and wouldn't think properly at all.
Desperate and panicking about brain not working.
Wanted to scream, tear of stupid nightie thing and throw it at them.
Wanted to scream at myself for haivng been so so so s o s os o bloody stupid as to let myself get steamrollered along by them.
Lying in bed wanting to cry; could feel diaphragm and shoulders heaving but no tears would come.
Felt so so so unbelieveably and unbearably stupid, and so horrified by experience unrolling in mind's eye just wanted to die.
[For the record, still think "that's illogical Captain" - but that's the way the hallucinations were going .... again......]
Can'timagine how i managed to survive when these were happening all day and all night, every day, whenever I let up concentrating on something else all the time.
Presume some bit of one of the drugs had just been let loose from some piece of hitherto unexercised tissue and started floating round bloodstream as far as brain.
OMG, how much more of this stuff is there left in there to come out and hit me by surprise adn shock????!!!!!!
Tried sitting up in bed listening to radio. Didn't work. Got up, made mug of hot choccie, sat in itchen trying to read racing results. Wanting to cry over page but still no tears.
Had thought. Very tired, vague, not very profitable thoughts.
Got yellow pages.
HELP!!!
Sorry to be venting, folks. You've no idea how glad I am of anyone reading this.
Practically - can anyone help with any practical suggestions on this one?
How would I go about getting a test done for presence of opiates in my system?
I'm presuming, to have that effect, something has got loose from somewhere and is circulating, so must be some trace of it.
My theory is to blame an opiate (or specifically, a synthetic opioid) painkiller.
Must be SOMETHING causing it - I don't usually have that sort of thing happen spontaneously - not with that force, vividness adn out-of-the-blue-ness.
I know employers, sports authorities, etc etc test people to see if they've been taking drugs and opiate consumption shows up.
HOw does one do it?
Is it a blood test (for actual chemical circulating) or urine test (for its metabolites, or waste products)? HOw long have i got for action, before it has gone and is undetectable?
Who tests the stuff? - any ideas? (I'm assuming that, even if my GP would be interested or persuadeable, I wouldn't be able to get an appointent within the time frame required).
Anyone any thoughts??????
Didn't manage to work out from YP who to try ringing, and didn't think I could hold a sensible conversation with them anyway.
Now completely exhausted from not sleeping last night (couldn't sleep when went back to bed, and it kept coming back in waves. Been having little waves of it ona dn off all day, plus generally feeling exhausted and run down.
If you've idea ideas, please do letme know. PM or phone if you'd rather. Am desperate.
Manyt hanks in advance.
On other matters - didn't get to ride Duke, did talk to the saddler about adjustments/repairs to his rungs and a rein that needs a stitch. Danny (riding instructor) persuaded me to come out for a ride on one of his horses - a black cob called Ari(zona). A bit smaller than Duke, adn I'd felt a bit top-heavy the only other time I'd ridden him, but that was on a rather rough sloping field - better on the side streets, and got back unscathed.
News is the blood tests have come back from the vets about our rescued Shetland ponies.
The foal is a boy not a girl after all!
He is no relation to the mare (they did a DNA test).
The mare is not pregnant after all.
Vet thinks she is having a phantom pregnancy as a result of being left to "mother" Twiglet (ginger foal we have to learn to call "he").
Bizarre life we lead.
Rosemary

[Hilary Johnson]

Hi R - I'm still reading this...

OMG - as you say.

When I had some involvement in a drugs-testing-record-keeping IT system (for train drivers) it was urine tests. Different drugs stay in the body for different times, I'm told - cannabis can be detected for months, some harder drugs for only a week or so - apparently this is why many prisoners go onto hard drugs, they're less likely to be caught. (This is hearsay, by the way, not medical opinion).

Who does testing? All I can suggest is to try the GP. He ought to be able to send a sample off for testing.

However, if what you were experiencing was an accurate replay of the actual events as they really happened, was it actually an hallucination, or a flashback as in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ? Again, if you think you might have PTSD, GP would be the obvious person to contact, though being referred to a trauma counsellor may not be what you want.

If you ever need urgent medical advice, I'd suggest phoning NHS Direct.

Phone me if you want to talk more.

H

[rosemary johnson]

Hi H - thanks for reply (and phone call).
NO, not accurate replays exactly - variations on a theme, what I ought to have done, should have liked to do, etc etc. Very like feeling of early hallucinations even if not same "storyboard". And familiar symptoms later of metabolism trying hard to eliminate alien chemicals.
GP on two week's leave!! - got appointment at surgery with Linda (nurse-consultant, whatever the proper name is) soon, when other blood test sshould be back. Will ask her about this too.
Meanwhile, should be trying to get muscles working again, but don't want to dare releasing another batch like that.
Now much more in "right mind" and less groggy generally, the things are so much more vivid.
Spent a long time trying not to beat myself up for intense stupidity in going along with this; now getting harder and harder.
Hallucinations worn off, still get period shakey feelings of shock at how they could have just come back out of the blue with that intensity.
Still feeling very weak and flabby and stiff all at once - am wondering if I was rhabdomyolysing (if there is such a word?!) during/immediately after op - in other words, the human equivalent of what in horses is called Azoturia, setfast or "Monday morning disease". COuld explain a lot...... need to get back fit and healthy again, but currently daren't try too much.
Can't help feeling it's all my stupid fault for being sooooooo stupid, and that's sooooo depressing.
Eye feels dry and tired and sees more double images all the time. Still can't see th estitch - probably a good thing, or I'd have taken the Swiss Army Knife to them/it long since....
Other eye looks worse all the time - very red and clood veins standing out something scarey. Just put a lens in it for first time in 2 days (took it out Monday as soon as was on the train on way home).
Still no news from either neurologist or eye Hospital.
Actually, tell a lie - have discovered why haven't got anything in response to my Freedom of Information Act request from eye hosp 0 the foI officer just left! His successor rang me just when I was about to set off to chiropractor's, to explain he was the new bod, and he'd look into it and get back to me.
Had letter from yellow card people - saying thanks for the info, and enclosing copy of what I'd sent them. Do they think there are no photocopiers in East London...? Oh well, I have another copy now.
One small consulation is chiropractor seems to think I'm coming along nicely.
Sleep? What's sleep????
Rosemary

[Hilary Johnson]

R
I still think you're being too hard on yourself.
You're not "SOOOOO stupid." You're not stupid at all.
OK, so with hindsight it was the wrong decision, but - this is where I start to feel like Captain Flint talking to Captain John while talking Swallow to Rio under jury rig...
So you're human and you made the wrong decision - please stop beating yourself up about it. Even if it was stupid, you can't undo it, and PLEASE don't start attacking your own eye with a Swiss army knife. That will HURT LIKE CRAZY - - - AND - - - you'd need another operation to patch up the MESS

("What's done's done, and if it wasn't done right do it differently next time. Worrying never made a sailor... you've probably been just as much of a duffer at other times and weren't found out" - or something like that, wasn't it?)

Phone someone first if you seriously think you might do it. Phone me, phone the Samaritans, whatever, but please don't do it.

I'm going to send a PM too, if I can work out how to.

[rosemary johnson]

It's OK: I have no rational, logic or lucid intention of doing any such thing.
Honest!
Just like, rationally and logically, I have no real desire to strangle, or bash in the skull of, A Certain Surgeon. I really don't want to live out my natural in Broadmoor!
the hallucinatory inklings are horrible - though at least have the merit of familiarity having had that sort of thing as an adverse drug reaction before. But the lucid part of my brain has not yet got to the point of agreeing they would be sensible.
The stupidity is not deciding to to have the op per se...... it is the manner of how I came to make the "decision" to let myself be knocked out - and the bits I forgot to run through.
Don't want to attempt to rerun the conversation here - but should have known better.
And been thinking far far better - however dehydrated.
Should have known better.
no point it trying to cut stitch with SAK - can't seewhere the thing is! ergo impossible.
Better news is that Duke's field is drying out at last; bad news is he still can't be ridden and now other horse I rode last week has foot infectin and can't be ridden either, poor chap.
Rosemary

[rosemary johnson]

As if I didn't have enough health worries ATM..... a piece broke off a tooth this morning.
Aargh!
Rosemary

[Andrew MacLean]

I'd rather live with a lot of non dental problems than just one that invovles a visit to "the chair".

All the best

Andrew

[rosemary johnson]

Andrew, I can well sympathise ith you on that!
Particularly when it comes tothe writer's cramp from signing the cheques for the bill at the end.
Today's piece of good news is that John (dentist) remembered that tooth as the one that a piece chipped off when it had a crown put on a few years ago - and decided he better hadn't argue about when I went in then in high dudgeon, said I'd been sure I could feel a crack and well, surprise surprise, guess what, a piece has chipped off along the crack, and what are you going to do about it, mate?!
He had a good look, decided it was just a piece chipped off in the same place and it wasn't bad underneath, and has replaced the chipped bit with some tooth-coloured stuff with only a minimal amount of tidying up at the edges.
And didn't need an injection, being the one it was. Hooray.
He and the practice manager say they are having great difficulties getting hold of anaesthetic - so I said I knew why; the eye hospital (who use the adrenaline-free version of the dentist's stuff) have bought it all up!
He also claims to know something about general anaesthetics - not enough to be detailed-ly knowledgeable about the intravenous variety - but certainly enough to understand, and to tell me with apparent genuine worried-ness to take care of myself now.
Going back next month for a scale and polish and repair to another filling starting to chip.
Other little piece of good news is that the GP's surgery have had my blood test results back and all is normal.
Bad news:
Linda (at the GP
's - nurse-consultant or whatever proper title is) asked me how I was, so I told her. Poor woman. very understanding, could see why I didn't want to be going on having all these hallucinations again, etc. Said this was beyond her area of expertise, and couldn't suggest anyone int he practice more likely to know about anaesthetics, so would have to be something referred back to Eye Hospital.
Looked up my records on her computer screen, found - and printed out for me, cheers! - a letter of which eye hosp had sent GP a c.c., and in fact found out there were two there.
Aaarghhhhhh!
I really had thought better of that - apparently - nice young man I saw last itme at the eye hospital. SO how come he's been writing letters like that?
No, I am not the slightest bit interested in "counselling" - I want to know what it is that might be causing this, whether it is possible to test for it (or absence of enzyme expected to break stuff down), whether indeed it is safe to assume what is causing it without being able/necessary to test explicitly, f, whether the antidote can be used safely on someone awake and hallucinating without risking strokes, how on earth I get hold of it if/when needed, how to get this stuff out of my system safely and get fit again, and HOW TO MAKE SURE NOTHING LIKE THIS EVER HAPPENS AGAIN!
I have not the slightest wish to talk to PALS - about whose effectiveness I shan't attempt to comment!!!!
nd why on earth does he see fit to c.c. these to That Certain Surgeon who is no longer anything to do with me????!!!!!!
Brick wall.
Head
Beat, beat, beat.
What is going on around here???????????
And now what......???
Well, OK, I know "now what": a very ""interesting"" next eye hosp appointment on Wednesday.
Stood there in Linda's consulting room this morning looking at these bits of paper in shocked horror.
Not to mention disbelief.
Waargghhhh!!!! again.
I note also that nice young man's secretary could do with some proof-reading lessons - not least, to proof-read boss's signature block, before my new consultant sees that all his letters are going out referring to her as "Mr"!
That's the trouble with reading for end-of-nose distance and very slowly - you tend to notice these minor details.
Rosemary
PS: actually, another bit of good news: Lesley took Duke out for a ride on Saturday. So, with luck, I might be able to get back aboard on Thursday.

[rosemary johnson]

Very tired....... going to crawl into bed any minute.....
Long time at hospital today.
Nice guy in Refraction tried lots of different lenses, ith reslt grafted eye is -9 on one axis, -14 on the other, with definite astigmatism, number I forget. Can't say I'd noticed.
Looking at lit-up snellen chart for long enough to determine this getting very uncomfortable.
Couldn't make any noticeable improvement to lens in other eye.
Forgot to ask for figures of how well it was doing in 6/whatever speak.
Set off round to other part of hospital to see new consultant; passed Ken in corridor, who asked What are you doing here, so explained and showed him the page. He's clearly itching to get his hands (well, fitting set!) on my grafted eye. Said "HOld on Ken, I've been having those hallucinations again" and he didn't see why that should stop me having a contact lens..... Dear Ken! Such enthusiasm!
Got called in by someone from new consultant's team I'd never met or heard of before - very long talk. She's probably really really blessing me for that (not!)
Talked through a lot of what had been happening (or not), and she took a copy of my Yellow Card info to stick in my notes.
SHe's going to re-contact head of anaesthetics service, ith update, pointer to YC info, and requesting sorting something out.
I wait in hope.
She's told me where to hold nose to stop eye drops running down nose.
Thinks eye is doing OK. Both eyes - though the other one look shorrible red and vein-infested to me.
Didn't give definite verdict on prospect of contact lens over graft - but was saying I should be getting some benefit from it, and that Ken was a great guy (not arguing there!)
COme back next months, keep taking the drops......... via a trip to Pharmacy to get some more.
Issues of light sensitivity to be dealth with, still - not today but have flagged up as something not to be forgotten.
We shall see..........
Or not.......
Duke, apparently, is fine for me to ride him tomorrow..... so I'd better get to bed, or I'll be too tired to.
Rosemary

[Andrew MacLean]

Way to go duke!

All the best, Rosemary. Duke's recovery maybe means that you have one less thing to worry about.

Andrew