Anyone got any good jokes??
Moderator: John Smith
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kerrie phillips
- Regular contributor
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Wed 28 Feb 2007 7:34 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Contact lenses
- Location: east anglia
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (It's definitely a Blonde Joke!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....) (You can still delete it) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave
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kerrie phillips
- Regular contributor
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Wed 28 Feb 2007 7:34 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Contact lenses
- Location: east anglia
Installing a Husband 1.0:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package; While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package; While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Andrew MacLean
- Moderator
- Posts: 7703
- Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Other
- Location: Scotland
-
Andrew MacLean
- Moderator
- Posts: 7703
- Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Other
- Location: Scotland
-
Andrew MacLean
- Moderator
- Posts: 7703
- Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Other
- Location: Scotland
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Andrew MacLean
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...."
"oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing. "Well, where do we start?"
Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith "Ma'am , in my line of work a man
has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And the two twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and Five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Oh yes, Ma'am . I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...."
"oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing. "Well, where do we start?"
Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith "Ma'am , in my line of work a man
has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And the two twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and Five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Oh yes, Ma'am . I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Andrew MacLean
- Moderator
- Posts: 7703
- Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Other
- Location: Scotland
Q. How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I dunno - not my period.
A. I dunno - not my period.
Last edited by Andrew MacLean on Wed 09 May 2007 11:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Andrew MacLean
-
Andrew MacLean
- Moderator
- Posts: 7703
- Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Other
- Location: Scotland
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