Watch out for the tumbleweed......at least I owned up to my lack of brain power....
Anyone got any good jokes??
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Paul Morgan
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will someone spell it out pleasse!!!-
Stace234
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This was posted on a different post by Andrew Maclean and i couldnt stop laughing as i read it aloud try it!! Does anyone else laugh cus i dont even think its that funny! 
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I dunno why she swallowed that fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd, to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die
There was an old lady who swallowed a cat.
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die
There was an old lady who swallowed a dog.
What a hog! To swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog ...
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat...
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog...
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a horse -
She's dead, of course.
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I dunno why she swallowed that fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd, to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die
There was an old lady who swallowed a cat.
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die
There was an old lady who swallowed a dog.
What a hog! To swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog ...
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat...
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog...
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.
There was an old lady who swallowed a horse -
She's dead, of course.
"A journey of thousands of miles starts with one tiny step"
Stace234
I get them from my friends at work........
Here some more.
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
-----------------------------------------------------
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll c**p on it's head."
-----------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
I get them from my friends at work........
Here some more.
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
-----------------------------------------------------
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll c**p on it's head."
-----------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Andrew MacLean
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There was once a man who visited the dentist.
"I want you to give me an estimate for your cheapest extraction," he said.
"Extraction, sir?" the dentist raised an eyebrow. "that will be one dentist and one dental nurse, anaesthetic and mouthwash. I can do all that for £520."
"That's a bit steep. Do you really need the dental nurse?"
"Well," the dentist conceded, "if all goes well we could probably manage without the nurse. That would bring the bill down to £450."
"Still a bit steep. Is the mouthwash entirely necessary?"
"It is intended to fight infection, but if we were very careful, we might manage without the mouthwash. that would reduce the bill to £400." The dentist was beginning to be worried about the way this conversation was going.
"Still, £400 is an awful lot of money. Is the anaesthetic really necessary?"
"Not really, but an extraction without an anaesthetic would be excruciatingly painful. But without the anaesthetic, I could do the job for around £300." The dentist wanted to draw a line here: this was his cheapest offer.
"£300 sounds more like it. When do you have an appointment free?"
"Tuesday at 10? What name shall I say?"
"The appointment is for my wife; Mrs J Smith. She'll be over at 10 on Tuesday."
"I want you to give me an estimate for your cheapest extraction," he said.
"Extraction, sir?" the dentist raised an eyebrow. "that will be one dentist and one dental nurse, anaesthetic and mouthwash. I can do all that for £520."
"That's a bit steep. Do you really need the dental nurse?"
"Well," the dentist conceded, "if all goes well we could probably manage without the nurse. That would bring the bill down to £450."
"Still a bit steep. Is the mouthwash entirely necessary?"
"It is intended to fight infection, but if we were very careful, we might manage without the mouthwash. that would reduce the bill to £400." The dentist was beginning to be worried about the way this conversation was going.
"Still, £400 is an awful lot of money. Is the anaesthetic really necessary?"
"Not really, but an extraction without an anaesthetic would be excruciatingly painful. But without the anaesthetic, I could do the job for around £300." The dentist wanted to draw a line here: this was his cheapest offer.
"£300 sounds more like it. When do you have an appointment free?"
"Tuesday at 10? What name shall I say?"
"The appointment is for my wife; Mrs J Smith. She'll be over at 10 on Tuesday."
Andrew MacLean
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Stace234
- Regular contributor
- Posts: 117
- Joined: Sat 04 Mar 2006 5:32 pm
- Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
- Vision: Spectacles
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Are we allowed blonde and rude jokes??????
A women went from her room to the reception desk at a holiday inn and asked the worker for the manager. He told her the manager was busy so the women in reply reached over the desk and ran her fingers through the workers hair, down the side his face near to the corner of his mouth. She then stood up straight and said, "tell him theres no toliet paper in room 69."
stacexx
A women went from her room to the reception desk at a holiday inn and asked the worker for the manager. He told her the manager was busy so the women in reply reached over the desk and ran her fingers through the workers hair, down the side his face near to the corner of his mouth. She then stood up straight and said, "tell him theres no toliet paper in room 69."
stacexx
"A journey of thousands of miles starts with one tiny step"
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Louise Pembroke
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Like it Stace!
The Royal College of Psychiatrists have a Sprituality Special Interest Group and my friend said, 'Isn't that like Dracula being in charge of the blood transfusion service?'!!!
What do you call a psychiatrist at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A good one!!
The Royal College of Psychiatrists have a Sprituality Special Interest Group and my friend said, 'Isn't that like Dracula being in charge of the blood transfusion service?'!!!
What do you call a psychiatrist at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A good one!!
Director of Sci-Fi and Silliness and FRCC [Fellow of the Royal College of Cake]
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Andrew MacLean
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Psychiatrist jokes:
What have you got if you have twelve Psychiatrists buried up to their necks in sand?
- Not enough sand.
Why was alkatraz full of criminals and Los Angeles full of Psychiatrists?
- Alkatraz got first choice.
What do you call a person who likes to hang about with Doctors?
- a Psychiatrist
In the annual surgeons - v - psychiatrists sky diving race, why do the surgeons always come first?
- the psychiatrists have to stop on the way to ask for directions.
In the University Faculty of Medicine the lecturer goes into a lecture hall full of aspiring Medics. he says "good morning ladies and gentlemen" and the students begin to pay attention. When the same lecturer goes into a class full of aspiring psychiatrists and says "good morning ladies and gentlemen", all the students write it down.
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Andrew
What have you got if you have twelve Psychiatrists buried up to their necks in sand?
- Not enough sand.
Why was alkatraz full of criminals and Los Angeles full of Psychiatrists?
- Alkatraz got first choice.
What do you call a person who likes to hang about with Doctors?
- a Psychiatrist
In the annual surgeons - v - psychiatrists sky diving race, why do the surgeons always come first?
- the psychiatrists have to stop on the way to ask for directions.
In the University Faculty of Medicine the lecturer goes into a lecture hall full of aspiring Medics. he says "good morning ladies and gentlemen" and the students begin to pay attention. When the same lecturer goes into a class full of aspiring psychiatrists and says "good morning ladies and gentlemen", all the students write it down.
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Andrew
Andrew MacLean
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