Anyone got any good jokes??

This is the place where forum members can chat about anything they want - sport, hobbies etc. Anything except Keratoconus issues.

Moderator: John Smith

User avatar
Stace234
Regular contributor
Regular contributor
Posts: 117
Joined: Sat 04 Mar 2006 5:32 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Spectacles
Location: England

Anyone got any good jokes??

Postby Stace234 » Sun 25 Mar 2007 2:27 pm

i am feeling really bored right now and need a seriously funny joke to cheer me up!!! :lol: go on post a joke take you best shot!!! lol!! (by the way i am slightly blonde so no complexed ones :D )

stacex :P :P
"A journey of thousands of miles starts with one tiny step"

User avatar
Andrew MacLean
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7703
Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Other
Location: Scotland

Postby Andrew MacLean » Sun 25 Mar 2007 2:44 pm

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

Change, what do you mean 'change'? My grandfather gave that bulb!

How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb?


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?
Andrew MacLean

User avatar
Stace234
Regular contributor
Regular contributor
Posts: 117
Joined: Sat 04 Mar 2006 5:32 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Spectacles
Location: England

Postby Stace234 » Sun 25 Mar 2007 2:55 pm

lmaol! there good! keep em comin!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"A journey of thousands of miles starts with one tiny step"

User avatar
Andrew MacLean
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7703
Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Other
Location: Scotland

Postby Andrew MacLean » Sun 25 Mar 2007 4:25 pm

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."
Andrew MacLean

User avatar
Andrew MacLean
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7703
Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Other
Location: Scotland

Postby Andrew MacLean » Sun 25 Mar 2007 4:51 pm

A social worker had been given a new client: an old woman who lived towards the top of a very high block of flats. "Go and complete a domiscilliary needs assessment", said the social Worker's manager.

Arriving at the old lady's flat, the social worker was out of breath. The lift had broken down and he had climbed twenty two flights of stairs. The elderly client showed the social worker into her living room and invited him to take a seat. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Oh, yes please!" responded the visitor.

While the old lady was in the kitchen the social worker walked to her window and looked out across the city. He heard the old lady at the door so turned round to see her carry a tea tray with one cup, one side plate and one cake. She put the tray down on the little table and poured tea into the cup.

Accepting the proffered cup the social worker asked, "Are you not having any tea?"

"Oh yes", replied the elderly client, but I only have the one cup left of my wedding china and I keep it for important visitors. I'll just go back to the kitchen and get my own cup.

As she left the room the social worker raised the cup to his lips, but was surprised to see that there was a thin film of dust floating on top of his tea. Not wanting to make a fuss, he made his way back to the open window and deftly emptied the cup into the void between the client's flat and the ground.

He turned again as he heard the old lady come back into the room, but was taken aback to see an expression of horror spread across her face. He looked down and realized that while he was still holding the handle of the cup, the rest of the vessel was now 22 floors away and in a million pieces.

Andrew
Andrew MacLean

User avatar
Stace234
Regular contributor
Regular contributor
Posts: 117
Joined: Sat 04 Mar 2006 5:32 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Spectacles
Location: England

Postby Stace234 » Sun 25 Mar 2007 4:55 pm

that tour bus one is horrible!! eugh!!!! lmaol!! :D u have cheered me up!
"A journey of thousands of miles starts with one tiny step"

User avatar
Pat A
Forum Stalwart
Forum Stalwart
Posts: 661
Joined: Fri 08 Dec 2006 9:42 pm
Keratoconus: No, I don't suffer from KC
Vision: Contact lenses
Location: Herts

Postby Pat A » Sun 25 Mar 2007 9:10 pm

with apologies to the Irish...and others.....but this did make me laugh....

Paddys pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.


The doctor replies "Madam, you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now, however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately-your brother came in and named them"

The woman thinks to herself "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not my brother...he's blooming useless. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, well whats my daughters name?"

The Doctor tells her "She's called Denise".

The relieved woman thinks to herself, that's ok, I quite like that name, maybe my brother's not gorm I thought he was. So she asks "And Doctor, what's my son called?"

"He's called Denephew"
Pat

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.

User avatar
Pat A
Forum Stalwart
Forum Stalwart
Posts: 661
Joined: Fri 08 Dec 2006 9:42 pm
Keratoconus: No, I don't suffer from KC
Vision: Contact lenses
Location: Herts

Postby Pat A » Sun 25 Mar 2007 9:22 pm

...or maybe you find this one funnier.....


This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in house wares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using >different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


......and many of the others I have I regret I would prefer not to post on such a good respectable public forum!!
Pat

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.

User avatar
Andrew MacLean
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7703
Joined: Thu 15 Jan 2004 8:01 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Other
Location: Scotland

Postby Andrew MacLean » Mon 26 Mar 2007 6:17 am

How would a flea travel from London to Edinburgh?

By Itch-hiking :wink:
Andrew MacLean

User avatar
Anne B
Champion
Champion
Posts: 754
Joined: Thu 15 Sep 2005 1:22 pm
Keratoconus: Yes, I have KC
Vision: Graft(s) and spectacles
Location: Hertfordshire

Postby Anne B » Mon 26 Mar 2007 8:05 am

heard this one last night, made me laugh!!

Knock Knock......
Image


Return to “Non-KC Chit-Chat”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests