Where did you have the dodgiest coffee?

[Paul Osborne]

Heres another story (not tea related this time).

I went to a Chinese restaurant in Canterbury a few years back, this place is for occasional use as its hideously expensive and not a beef chow mein sort of place.

Anyway sat at the table next to us was this dare I say it, archtypical Scottish bloke - red hair, bushy beard and a kilt. He wasn't the quietist bloke and we clearly overheard him order a (yes entire) crispy duck and pancakes.

In due couse a large plate of shredded duck arrives, along with cucumber, spring onion, hoisin sauce and a steamer with pancakes in.

The guy starts digging in to the duck and mixed in the veg and sauce onto the plate and started shovelling it down, completely ignoring the pancakes.

A couple of times the waiter (who spoke very good english) came over and suggested that "try the...." at which point he was interrupted "I know whats in there laddie I will save it till later".

At this point the waiter gave up and I got more intrigued, the guy didn't seem to be off his head or anything like that and was just leaving the pancakes till later.

Eventually he had eaten all of his duck and as the waiter came in, he very theatrically picked up the steamer, removed the lid and tossed his head back as he pulled out a couple of pancakes and rubbed them vigorously into his beard.

There was a long (no longer than that) moment of silence as he realised that they were pancakes to be eaten and not a flannel to wipe his lips with. The waiter (and I waited) for the explosion but instead he just sat there, pulled some money from his wallet that he threw on the table and ran out of the restaurant.

I don't think that I have ever laughed quite so hard.

[Andrew MacLean]

People are strange. Actually I ought to say, British people are strange. It is like meeting somebody at the train station every morning but never actually learning their name as you not to them over the top of your crossword.

In time you are at the station with your wife or another friend. You say good morning to your anonymous acquaintance only to be asked, "why didn't you introduce me". Shame facedly you admit that you don't know their name.

My dad was an American, and although he never quite got the hang of calling a Tomato by its proper name, he did teach me one thing. Offer an American your hand and state your name, he (or she) will shake your hand and give you his (or her) name in return. In Scotland when I try this people smile and say, reassuringly, "Oh yes, Mr MacLean, I know who you are!"

In the same way when we know somebody very well it can be hard for the British to acknowledge that there is something important about them that we do not know .. like how they take their tea.

My mother suffered from this. She never asked how any of us liked our tea, so she just guessed every time. She always got it wrong.

Andrew

[Andrew MacLean]

Paul

Now that had to be a moment to be experienced.

What an embarassement! You would really have to leave town after that! Imagine getting on a bus years later and overhearing people, in hushed tones, "that was the scottish git who thought a pancake was a flannel".

Andrew

[Louise Pembroke]

my worst coffee was at a friends house and he uses this mini cup strainer thingy which you can use for loose tea leaves. I didn't realise he had used it for fresh cofffee so I use it for tea then spend 10 mins totally confused as to what I am drinking

[Andrew MacLean]

A friend of mine told me a story .. he says it happened last week.

Like me, he drinks coffee strong, black and unsweetened. He was visiting an elderly gentleman who lives alone. "You'll have a coffee" the old gentleman inisted.

Actually offering coffee to my friend is always going to be greeted with a happy acceptance. he is seriously adicted to caffeine, but I begin to digress.

The old man crashed about in the kitchen. There was much opening and closing of cupboard doors and the occasional explicative drifted on the air.

Eventually the host carried two mugs into the sitting room. "No milk, no sugar" he said as he handed one to the visiting cleric.

My friend thanked him and held the coffee while it cooled.

After a decent interval, my friend sipped the coffee. He said that the taste was indescribable, but he tried hard not to pull a face.

The old man watched him intently, and seeing what he took to be approval he explained, "I know you take your coffee strong, so I beefed it up a little for you."

"What did you add?" My friend was becoming curious.

"Marmite!"

**For those reading at home this technique of coffee making is for trained professionals only, and you are strongly advised not to add marmite to coffee for visiting clerics, unles specifically asked to do so.**

[Emma_Marie]

Marmite in coffee?? now that's a strange one! Think the standard nescafe will do me fine!

[Emma_Marie]

note to others - my double posts seem to be due to my lack of patience with the computer!

[Louise Pembroke]

Marmite oh no!!
Actually there are two things I've always wanted to say;
1] "Man overboard!!" [but I can't find anyone who will agree to let me throw them overboard.
2] "More tea Vicar?" [can you oblige Andrew?]

[Emma_Marie]

Louise, well i have said the 1st 1, only it was 4 me and not anyone else! my darling elder sister thought it would be ever so funny to throw me over the peer one summer, i thought i was going to drown so the delightful man 4rm the boat jumped in after me - only to find that i was 4 Foot in water and could actually stand! - Oops!

[Louise Pembroke]

Briliant!